"Things will happen in your life that you can't stop, but that's no reason to shut out the world. There's a purpose for the good and for the bad"
"We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in, I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am. I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough."
Now that we made it through the 1st trimester, I've been thinking back on our journey so far. I've feel like I have learned so much not just about conception and pregnancy, but also about life and personal growth. When we started this process, I thought I would just get pregnant... easily! With no family history of fertility problems and all diagnostic tests in normal ranges, I thought it would be a piece of cake! The first failed IUI attempt was disappointing, but I was hopeful that the next attempt would be successful. When the second and third attempts failed, my hope started to fade. I was angry, sad, hopeless, and jealous all at the same time. I found a renewed hope when we switched to Dr. P and the Sher Institute and moved on to IVF. It was a big step, but one that I knew we had to make. Our conversations with Dr. P were enlightening and reassuring. However, I was still nervous and worried about another failed attempt. So I did everything in my power to "make" this work. When the first IVF cycle failed, I was devastated... beyond devastated. I wanted to give up... I told myself I couldn't do it anymore. It was too hard to hear over and over again, "I'm sorry, the pregnancy test came back negative". I don't know if I can accurately describe what it feels like to hear that over and over again after putting your everything into a cycle... hope, energy, time, money, etc. Some people will know what I'm talking about, but most won't.
Anyways, my point is not to make this a negative post, but instead to set the stage for the change that took place within me throughout this process. At the start of IVF #2, I started to shift my focus to gratitude. I thought about everything that I was grateful for...sure we had failed cycles, but we also were able to DO those cycles. So many couples either don't have the time or can't afford it. I became more and more grateful for what I already had... a great loving family, a wonderful wife, amazing friends, a roof over my head, a job that I love, adorable cats, etc etc. I also began to realize that all of my worrying and at home efforts to "make" this work were useless... "I" was not going to "make" anything work. So after getting over the initial disappointment of the first failed IVF, I had a complete change of attitude. I didn't focus all my energies on getting pregnant or "making" it work. I focused on being grateful. And I prayed. Everyone has an angel. So I prayed to my angel and stayed positive and grateful.
Looking back now, I realized that I had a lot to learn. I had to learn how to let go of things in the past and move on, how to persevere and stay strong, how to get back up after falling down, how to trust in something greater than me, how to be patient, how to be grateful for the present moment, how to stay positive and believe that this was going to work for us, that nothing is guaranteed, how to be okay with not being in control. I had lessons to learn that were going to repeat themselves until I learned them. And that is what made IVF #2 different from the other cycles, I had a completely different outlook that had slowly evolved as a result of everything that happened along the way. Every step that we took along the way prepared us for this wonderful gift! :)
So, long story short, I am infinitely grateful for these two wonderful little miracles of ours! Our road wasn't always easy (like I thought it would be in the beginning), it was "bumpy". But those "bumps" in the road taught me important lessons.
Today I am grateful that we have two healthy little ones growing and that we are officially at the end of our first trimester!! 2 more trimesters until we meet them!! :)
So sweet, Marisa. Made me cry.
ReplyDelete