I'm pretty sure I'm losing it! : /

SO here we are 10dp6dt and tomorrow is the beta.  You would think that I'd be doing just a little bit better since the wait is almost over, but I think I'm getting worse.  The hpt for today was negative... again.  :(  So of course, immediately after the negative test I have to "google" things like "10dp6dt negative hpt, then positive beta" to reassure myself that there is still hope.  I've been pretty emotional lately, crying over songs and tv shows or even just thinking too much... in fact I'm crying right now as I'm writing this.  And it's not stopping anytime soon!

I'm so torn.... sometimes I think, "well there's a reason why the doctor scheduled the blood pregnancy test for tomorrow, and he certainly NEVER said to take a hpt everyday leading up to the beta... so I should just trust the doctor, wait patiently for the beta, and stop trying to 'beat the system'.  Plenty of people get negative hpts AFTER positive betas."  Then at other times I think, "Other people get positive hpts after 5 or 6 days post-transfer. Why not me?  Why do I have to be the patient one?  Why do I have to wait??"

I try to be positive, but the thought of this not working is almost too much to handle.  You put in all this time, effort, thought, money, hope... and if it doesn't work, you're left with nothing, nothing but a sad story.  With that said, I haven't been this negative the entire time.  In fact, initially, I would catch myself day-dreaming about getting the phone call saying "congrats! you are pregnant" and then calling Andrea to give her the good news.  I would read stories about people who got that exact phone call and I would just smile from ear to ear thinking that one day soon that will be me.  But lately, my thoughts have been more negative.  Maybe it's because time is running out, maybe it's just my nerves, maybe I'm just not good at being patient, maybe it's the hormones.  All I know is that I'm going to be a nervous wreck tomorrow, waiting for the phone call.

So like I said, I'm pretty sure I'm losing it.  I go from being completely hopeful to full of despair, and it can happen in the matter of minutes.  There's not much that I can do at this point except wait, so I guess that's the plan!  I hope that I can write a MUCH more positive post tomorrow!