the latest!

We've been feeling hopeful and positive these days, which is so much better than how we felt earlier this month!  Things have been looking up!  :)

We've decided to do another fresh IVF cycle.  Yay!  Even though we still have two frozen embryos, at this point it's more worthwhile to do a fresh cycle instead of a frozen for many reasons.  First, Andrea's insurance covers the retrieval... this is huge!  Most of the cost of an IVF cycle is the retrieval.  Second, we overpaid SIRM this time around, so technically they owe us some money, which will go directly to the next cycle.  Third, a fresh cycle is more likely to be successful.  Fourth, Andrea isn't getting any younger! We are just thrilled that Andrea's insurance covers this!  This would not be possible if we had to pay the entire cost of 2 IVF cycles.  So I can't say enough how grateful I am for all this!!

Another good thing is that the May cycle dates will work out perfectly with our schedules.  We would both have to go in on cycle day 9, which is May 29th.  Then Andrea has to go in a few days on her own for ultrasounds.  And then, most likely, the retrieval will fall on Saturday, June 2nd... with the transfer on June 7th!  My last day of school is on June 4th, so it will be perfect!  Also, if the dates work out, we will have the first beta test on Andrea's birthday and the due date will be on my 30th birthday!  What are the chances???  This has got to be it!  It's got to be!  That would be the best, most amazing, most wonderful birthday present we could ever ask for!!

In other news, we are also in the process of buying a house, which we will be closing on just before the cycle begins.  Busy busy times ahead, but all good exciting things!  

I have to say that it has been hard to stay positive in the past.  However, we started to shift our thinking and our outlook on the events of the past couple months and amazing things started to happen.  You might be thinking, "Wow, what a hippy dippy nut head!"  But I'm serious!  Great things started to almost fall in our laps right after we change our thinking.  For instance, the dates of the May IVF cycle worked out just right, Andrea's insurance paid for everything, we're technically getting some money back from SIRM, we put in a low offer on the perfect house for us and it was accepted, we're getting a decent amount of money back on our tax return, we have amazing friends who do little things to let us know that they care, we got to go on a random last minute weekend getaway to relax regroup, etc.  Even the kids at school give me the sweetest notes EXACTLY when I need them most!  Now don't get me wrong, we've had some challenges too.  Like when the paint job in the bathroom didn't go as expected.  But we still were able to fix it fairly easily and learn from it.  

Just wanted to close with a few quotes/poems that helped us during these trying times...

when things go wrong as they sometimes will
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill, 
when the funds are low, and the debts are high, 
and you want to smile, but have to sigh, 
when care is pressing you down a bit, 
rest if you must, but do not quit. 

success is failure turned inside out, 
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt, 
and you can never tell how close you are, 
it may be near when it seems so far,
so stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
it's when things go wrong that you must not quit.

"The key to success is not what you do, it is how you feel about what you are doing. Success begins with a positive attitude, it is the most valuable asset we may own. Success begins with a good feeling about where we are and a positive attitude about where we want to be." 

"No matter what happens, no matter what the appearance, we are always successful. What looks like failure teaches us what not to do, what does not work. It forces us to refocus, and redo." 

"When confronted with a difficulty, we must immediately shift our attention from the problem to the solution. We can think, speak and bring the best possible outcome into existence by focusing on where we are going, not on where we think we are."

"Life is going to be a challenge. There will be rough times, difficult situations, things to fall into, major obstacles, mysteries to solve, wonders to unfold and promises to keep to yourself. Now that you know what to expect, prepare yourself. The only way to get to where you want to be is to do what needs to be done to get there."

My 2 Cents

Obviously, Andrea already broke the terrible news, but I just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.  

After we got the negative result, all I could do was ask questions (while crying, of course)... some questions that can be answered and some that can't.  But the most pressing question in my mind was, "HOW?  How could this have happened considering everything that we did to prepare ourselves and our bodies for this whole process?"  We changed our diets, went to acupuncture ($560 worth of acupuncture!), exercised (moderately), drank special teas, meditated... not to mention all the sick days, driving to NJ, painful shots, money, time, effort,  and HOPE that went into this cycle.  After all of that, and no "infertile" diagnosis AND transferring two great blastocysts... HOW could this have happened to us?  WHY me?  why us?  I'm sure this is nothing new.  Plenty of people have made this same journey, had the same disappointment, and plenty of people have asked these same questions.  You just never think it's going to be you facing this much disappointment.  

Once we moved on from our own "pity party", we got a little tipsy and we made our list, which Andrea posted.  Even though a lot depends on what Andrea's insurance covers and we don't have a specific goal in mind, the list gives us some direction and we know that there is a "goal" that we are working towards... we just haven't pinpointed it yet.  If her insurance doesn't cover anything, then we stay positive and do a FET with the two frozen embryos that we have left, as long as they are still good healthy embryos.  What we do beyond that is too much to worry about right now.  I'm glad that we have talked this through, but you can't plan for every scenario, so why bother trying.   And that is hard for me to accept, because I like to plan out everything.  I make lists and plans for everything and then I have back-up lists and back-up plans in case something goes wrong with the first plans.  Well all of that is a little pointless and completely draining.  So here's to staying positive and letting go of worry!!

Negative #4

You think you prepare yourself by not being too optimistic, but you're never actually prepared to hear "you aren't pregnant" again. It's been a very rough, trying year for the two if us. We started on this great big journey almost a year ago, and what do we have to show for it? We may not have a baby, we may have a ton of medical bills.. But beyond all of that Marisa and I are stronger than ever. Right now we are not only still processing the news, but grieving for the loss of our blastocysts- you can't help but wonder what they could have been.

So now we make lists. We make lists to make ourselves feel better, we make lists so that we know there is still hope after this.

Option 1: Pregnancy
• Fresh IVF cycle (if the insurance will cover it)
• Frozen Embryo Transfer ($2500)
• Try at home insemination (w/2nd parent adoption)
• Move to NJ, get job in NJ (NJ health insurance pays for IVF's)

Option 2: Adoption
• Move across the border to NJ where it is legal to adopt a child as a gay couple
• Move to one of these great states where it is also legal; NY, CT, MA, NH, RI

Option 3: Stop everything related to having children
• Buy a puppy

I'm pretty sure I'm losing it! : /

SO here we are 10dp6dt and tomorrow is the beta.  You would think that I'd be doing just a little bit better since the wait is almost over, but I think I'm getting worse.  The hpt for today was negative... again.  :(  So of course, immediately after the negative test I have to "google" things like "10dp6dt negative hpt, then positive beta" to reassure myself that there is still hope.  I've been pretty emotional lately, crying over songs and tv shows or even just thinking too much... in fact I'm crying right now as I'm writing this.  And it's not stopping anytime soon!

I'm so torn.... sometimes I think, "well there's a reason why the doctor scheduled the blood pregnancy test for tomorrow, and he certainly NEVER said to take a hpt everyday leading up to the beta... so I should just trust the doctor, wait patiently for the beta, and stop trying to 'beat the system'.  Plenty of people get negative hpts AFTER positive betas."  Then at other times I think, "Other people get positive hpts after 5 or 6 days post-transfer. Why not me?  Why do I have to be the patient one?  Why do I have to wait??"

I try to be positive, but the thought of this not working is almost too much to handle.  You put in all this time, effort, thought, money, hope... and if it doesn't work, you're left with nothing, nothing but a sad story.  With that said, I haven't been this negative the entire time.  In fact, initially, I would catch myself day-dreaming about getting the phone call saying "congrats! you are pregnant" and then calling Andrea to give her the good news.  I would read stories about people who got that exact phone call and I would just smile from ear to ear thinking that one day soon that will be me.  But lately, my thoughts have been more negative.  Maybe it's because time is running out, maybe it's just my nerves, maybe I'm just not good at being patient, maybe it's the hormones.  All I know is that I'm going to be a nervous wreck tomorrow, waiting for the phone call.

So like I said, I'm pretty sure I'm losing it.  I go from being completely hopeful to full of despair, and it can happen in the matter of minutes.  There's not much that I can do at this point except wait, so I guess that's the plan!  I hope that I can write a MUCH more positive post tomorrow!

Impatience

I'm not going to lie, I'm emotionally attached to our blastocysts. With the failed IUI's we had no idea if any eggs were actually fertilized, but here we know they were- there are two perfect little blastocysts just trying to find a perfect little place to stick to in Marisa's body. We have a picture of them. We love them and don't even know a thing about them, and worry for their safety as if they are already our children. This is normal, right?

It's natural to be impatient, especially when you have to wait for what feels like an eternity to find out if you're pregnant. This is our 4th time now going through a 2 week wait, only this time it's actually only a 11 day wait.. which is only slightly better. Today we 6dp6dt - 6 days past 6 day transfer, and have decided to jump on the HPT (home pregnancy test) bandwagon. It was negative. While we know that a negative at this point is not something to take seriously, it is clear that we are not one of the early testers that we've read about that has gotten a positive at 5-6 days. It's a rare thing to test positive on a hpt that early, even our friends who had twins didn't test positive until day 7, and that's bc they had double the hcg. There is just something about a negative that is so.. negative. Add to that what I like to refer to as "smart phone syndrome" in which at any point I can google whatever is on my mind at that moment.. it makes it very hard to focus. Here is a recent sampling of some things that I have been googling; "crazy dreams after IVF", "bigger breasts on progesterone", "cm after IVF", "how many dpt positive HPT", and my latest "6dp6dt". I'm sure Marisa's google history is probably similar. The reality is that everyone has a different situation and not everyone is going to have the same symptoms or test positive on the same day and these are just things that you try and keep in mind when going through all of this.

Only 5 more days until the beta test.

Day 6 Transfer! We made it!

Here I am after the transfer!

Couldn't wait to empty my bladder!  haha

Our two little blastocysts that we transferred!  

Aren't they adorable?!

Well today was THE day!  We got the phone call around 10:00 this morning and they told us to come in at 1:30.  So on the way in, I had to drink 16 oz of water so that my bladder was full and then I listened to my IVF hypnotherapy CD.  By the time we got there, my bladder was ready to burst!  It was so bad that as they were talking to me, it was hard to focus.  After I got changed, I was just pacing around the room.  From past experiences, I already knew that I was not going to handle this whole "full bladder" thing very well.  So I actually snuck out of the room to pee a little bit for some relief.  Well it helped but only marginally.  When Dr. Peters came in the room to say "Hello", he instantly knew that there was something wrong.  So I told him that I really had to go to the bathroom and he told me to go let a little bit more out because we had about another 20-25 mins.  That helped a bit more.

We also mentioned the bruising and swelling from the progesterone shots.  When they looked at it, they said that it was pretty bad.  So at least I now know that I wasn't being a big baby about it.... it actually was THAT abnormally painful.  So they said that Dr. Peters would take a look at it and possibly prescribe something else, which was like music to my ears.  I would have been happy with a shot every other night.  But they decided to switch me over to Crinone Progesterone Gel instead, which means NO MORE PROGESTERONE SHOTS!  Awesome news!  So I do the Crinone suppository in the morning and the another progesterone suppository in the evening, starting tomorrow.  I still have to do the E2V shots every Tuesday and Friday, but those were never that bad to begin with.  It was the progesterone shots that made me anxious every night.

Anyway, so then they took me back to a separate room.  And when they checked my bladder, they commented on how full it was!  AND that was after I had let a little bit out TWICE.  So you can imagine how full it was before I did that.  Then Dr. Peters came over to chat with us about the embryos.  He said that all 5 made it to blastocyst stage, but the quality varied.  Two of them were graded as "3", two of them were graded as "2", and one of them were graded as "1".  As Andrea explained "1s" are the best and "4s" are the worst.  Dr. Peters said that the "3s" probably would not be good to freeze since they are probably growing slow because something abnormal is going on.  Which left us with 3 great blastocysts.  So their recommendation was to transfer only one, but he said that we have a say in this too.  We expressed our concerns about putting in only one and he said he was fine with us transferring two.  So we transferred a "1" and a "2", and then froze the other "2".

The worst part of the transfer was the pressing on the bladder with the abdominal ultrasound.  Everything they did on the inside was fine.  But every time they pressed down more on my bladder, I wanted to scream.  Once it was over, they moved me over to the other bed and wheeled me back into the other room to rest for about 20 mins or so.  Then I was finally able to pee!  I peed for like a good 2 minutes straight. no lie!  It went on forever!  Then we got changed and that was that!  They told me to not do anything else today, so I'm doing a whole lot of nothing.  And then to still take it easy tomorrow. I'm going into work tomorrow, which they were fine with, but they just said to make sure I take it easy overall.  The good thing is that I only have to go to work for 1 day and then it's the weekend, so i have 2 more days to rest and relax before I have to work a full week.

Tomorrow I go back to Ming Ming for another round of acupuncture.  I call this my marathon acupuncture week, since I went Tuesday, Wednesday, AND Friday this week.  I had been going every Friday since the end of January, but this is the first time I went multiple times in a single week.  I'll probably still go once a week, even after the pregnancy test to prevent miscarriage.

So our next step is to wait patiently until March 12th for the official blood pregnancy test.  BUT I think we might end up cheating and doing a home pregnancy test a little early.  I don't know, we'll have to see!  =P

What an exciting positive day it has been!  We are so grateful that we were able to do this, and so hopeful for the future!

"Be thankful for it all.  And beyond your many blessings, will be many many more."